Death

A few short weeks ago, I was at a funeral. A funeral of a man who was great to me. His daughter is married to my brother. There were countless people at the services and the church was full. My sister-in-law had a great father. One who had her back and was just a nice person to everyone. How lucky she was to have him.

At this funeral was my mother. The woman who gave me life. I was able to touch her arm for a brief moment and asked her how she was doing. She spoke to me, for the first time in 19 years. I knew it would be the last time I would see her alive.

It was, she died last week. All the emotions of why didn’t she love me enough have come to the surface. I was not in her circle of life. She did not care enough about me to reach out. Now it is too late. I can not tell her I got my BA in the spring. I cant tell her how much I really love teaching. She missed my life. She missed my children’s lives. What a waste. They will never know their grandma. She died. It is too late now. I dreaded the day it would happen. I really hoped she would see me with value and do something to have a relationship with me. She chose not to. Her choice I know I was willing over the years and let it be known to her.

I also know the damage she would have caused me if she was in my life. I am very aware, the guilt, the shame she would have put on me. Makes me sad that a person can live thier life the way she did. How do I break that cycle? I don’t hit my kids out of anger, that is the first step and I did not neglect my children. I have to learn how to cope in life without this shame and guilt that she put on me. I will never get her approval now. she is dead.