So yesterday, I turned in my keys to the old apartment. The place made many memories, ones that I am sure one day I will be able to look back on and laugh. Right now, not so much. I am grateful as it was a place to be at home and call home while I rebounded from many things. But as I press forward into this next chapter, I have or need to come to terms with many things.
First of all, my adult children do not need me in a way that is helpful in any way to me. They add an extra layer of stress to my life. I have a car full of stuff that is not my responsibility and once it is gone, I will be glad. Finding a place to dump it is an issue as I feel bad about adding it to someone else’s trash. Seems ironic that here I am willing to keep it in my car to not overburden someone else. But my daughter, who the stuff belongs to, has no sense of burdening me with disposing of it. I have raised my children, I gave them food, shelter and enough love. I have to release. The one daughter, was not even going to tell me she was leaving and where she was going. My son, conveniently disappears and does not offer to help me move. That is amazing to me. The amount of selfishness prevails. Something I can see happened because they saw me choose to be disrespected by my exhusband. My choice, I stayed longer than I should have.
As I press forward, I have to take a break from the children that are in my life right now. I need some peace and healing without feeling like I am holding them up as well. I have to let go and not be so dependent on them. They do not owe me anything. In a perfect world, they would have some loyality. But they have shown that they do not. They do not care that I am hurting, they do not care that I carry thier load. Even in the cleaning of the apartment, no remorse. I can not even beleive that I raised this children and this is how they are. But they make choices and it is not because of choices I made, as I did the best I could. These are choices they are going to have to deal with. And they may never see it, and I will have to be okay with that. They owe me no debt. I brought them into this world. They need to grow up and figure it out. I am not an option anymore. I will not beg them to have be in my life. I do not need that kind of drama. I will be okay, with or without my children.
God has shown so much of Himself to me through the example of other people around me. Here is my friend who has knee problems and she helps me, knowing full well that she will be hurting, but also knowing I have no one else. That is a friend. I can not keep chasing people that want to help in a way that is convenient for them and makes them feel good. I want friends who see no motive in helping and being in my life other than they see that I am worth it and my friendship is worth it. I am not a charity case. I am a severely loyal person who deserves people who will be there for me, not matter what. I am hopeful God will bring those kind of people to me in it all as well. I can only hope and pray that He does. I want to have friends that respond and care about what happened in thier day. I need that in my life. More now than ever. I do not need many. I am not afraid of doing things alone. Most of the time it is easier to do it alone that to wait on people to decide to join me or not. Not worth the hassle of waiting on someone else.
I will step into my new chapter. I will be successful in it. I will bring into my life people who care about me. These things are promised as God has good plans for me. He needed to sift out the rest and He has, including my children. I want what He has for me. I want peace and I deserve peace and joy, because I am His child and because He wants that for me. I will be successful, I will be peace filled. I am worth it. I have made it this far and more great things are coming.
Quiet Intensity 