I am up early, and to be honest, I did not sleep much at all. I have been thinking about a lot of things this morning and through the night. What if this man is the next one? One if he is not? Either way, I will never learn anything by being scared and fearful. Afraid of the spouse who will never really love me. I have done that twice now. I want to be all in with who I am and who I am with. I want to be able to laugh and giggle. I want to be able to sit with someone and just be. Just hold their hand, not always wonder if they really love me or if I am good enough. My questions were answered by past relationship. All those feelings, gut feelings I felt were right on target. The reality of those gut feelings being true scared me into denial. All the while, everything in me, knew it wasn’t love on his end. Knew it was what he could or would look like with me on his arm. It was all about his reputation and what I could add to his life. It was never about me. I lost me.
I want to fish, I want to travel. I want to see things that I have never experienced before that bring me hope and joy in people and the things God has created around me. I want to be with someone who enjoys life and living and loving. I have lived so much in guilt and shame. Thinking and being made to feel like I was not good enough, and to them, I was not. But to God, I am. To me I am. I am made exactly how God wanted me to be made. Those that love me for being me, will understand that. Those that don’t, well they can just move on. I don’t have time for that type of friendship, relationship, whatever. I want to live life. I want to enjoy life, not wait for others to join me. I want to be who I was supposed to be before people told me what I should be. My uniqueness is special and worthy. I will be open to whatever God has for me.
Quiet Intensity 