Friendships

So today I walked with an intentional smile on my face. I was approached by many people and it was very interesting to me. Normally I walk with eyes down and just a general feel of screw everyone in the world. But yesterday I got a text from him. A friend of a new friend. Something about knowing someone is looking forward to talking to you is excited. How do I not think about this as more than a friendship? I do not want to over think this. At all. I can not be hurt again. Not like I have been.

I really am looking for someone to just be kind and care about me. It does not really need to be a man. Shut doors and closed hearts have been all around me. Even today, the simpleness of offering to help someone. Someone who does not look like me, is not from my typical world. Then seeing someone from church. A pastor, and he walks right on past this person like they were not even there. He did not even ask him if he needed help. I don’t want to be associated with those types of people. It is amazing how this pastor is supposed to be my friend. But never asked if he could help. Was it because of the location? I live 4 houses down. Was it because of the man’s apperence? More likely the case.

I need to be around real people. People that actually do care. Not white people that think they are priveledged. I can not do that anymore. I will not stand by and be next to people who can proclaim God and that we need to help others and blah blah blah to watch the real life happen. This guy did not even remember that the person he met at Easter was my daughter, not my sister. Did he ever listen? Pastor. Careful of that word.

Friendships expand and can explore into all kinds of things. I am open to it. I am going to keep asking questions, just to get to know him. He is not like the others, both physically and career wise. It is time for me to be real with who I am and who I need. I need someone to love me deeply. I need someone who will ask me how my day was. I need someone who will be happy to see me, because I am important to them. I like to feel like someone may want me. It may not be him. And that is okay. I just want to feel needed by someone and that I matter to them. Not that I was always second to their mom. I do not deserve to feel discarded, and I have for all the married life.

New season, new friendships. I am open to it all. I would rather be with a real person that someone who claims they would help anyone, when they really would not. My faith will always be my personal faith.