The other day I was on a walk and came across a huge display of yellow flowers that had fallen from a tree. I looked up at the tree and could see more that would fall. But as I turned my gaze back to the fresh coat of flowers on the ground, I thought about the analagy. I saw the flowers as what they needed to do. They need to fall from the tree, it is part of how they were created. Eventually the leaves will fall as well and the cycle for the tree will continue. The mess on the ground reminded me that seasons happen, and keep happening. When you go through a season where it is very messy, you have to realize that you will move through the mess. There is nothing about the mess that you HAVE to take with you into the future. Just as a snake sheds its skin, shed the mess. Only you can choose to move forward and face your future clean or messy.
That day I saw the remnants of a 19 year marriage all over the floor. It was as if the flowers represented all that had been broken in my life. It was a mess. My last few years and the marriage in general was a mess. As I walked over the flowers, I realized I could walk through and leave behind the mess. I do not have to take any part of it with me. Nor do I need to stay in in. Yes, I was emotionally abused, yes it happened. Yes I did the best I could. I fought for my marriage until the fight was only coming from me. He gave up. He is sitting in that mess of flowers or maybe he has moved on. Not my concern. I choose to move on. I choose to realize that I can stay in it, beating myself up. Or move through life like it was just a season.
I am tired of hearing about narcissism. Did my ex husband have narcissism, yes. Could I have seen it when I met him, no. I did nothing wrong, I could not have changed him, that had to come from within him. I am grateful that I can look back now and see that I really was not alone during the office visits, God made it clear He was with me. I am grateful. He is with me. He is healing me. He wants good things for me. He wants me to represent Him. I am ready and willing.
Quiet Intensity 