Dating

I have been approached this week about being set up on a blind date. I honestly can not tell you how I feel about possibly dating again. The thought of someone actually being honest and strong in my life has a great appeal. But the heartache and rejection may just destroy this very hurt heart.

It is amazing to me that my immediate thought was curiousity that someone may be interested in me and I felt pretty good about that. But now I am 24 hours later, and all I can think about is how my heart can not deal with another rejection.

One friend tells me that blind dates are a hard pass. One tells me that I should just make sure I go somewhere in a public space with lots of people around. Why would it be difficult? The word date and all that goes along with it brings a lot of pressure. Expectations. For me, hopes I could be loved for the first time in my life. That is a lot to take on. I am not ready to date. My heart is still so broken from my exhusband. But our marriage was over many many years ago. I sat in the abuse for years. I took it, I endured it because I truly did love him. I believed him over my children. The hurt is still very fresh and very new to me.

But part of me is like, why does everything have to go right to dating. Let’s face it, I could use some friends and fun in my life. Not sex, just someone to do things with that doesn’t need something from me in return. I can only deal with being a mom for so long. All of them are grown. They are not entitled to my life anymore than I am entitled to theirs. My time is done trying to get them to love me in a way that will take away all the pain and mistakes I have made.

No one is coming, this person may be a great friend for me. I have no idea. I want to go into it very light, but anyone who knows me is that I love hard. Life is short, this person may be my new best friend. Someone who will take me and Morgan on so many adventures. Someone who will believe in me and not walk away or reject me. Someone I could talk to with my transparent self. I am tired of hiding behind the mask of not hurting. I am tired of feeling like I have to pretend around my daughters that them being lazy and throwing everything back on me is not really really bothering me.

I have put myself aside, for as long as I can remember. It has never been about my own life, my own heart, and my own needs. I have had to think of someone else since I gave birth to that baby boy at 18 years old. Before that time, it was about my survival. No one will ever understand what it means to sit on a bench at the bottom of the hill of your home and process who you could call and talk to about a place to stay. You actually think about that cool hideout that you had where you took the dogs of the neighborhood to sit amongst the trees as a place you could possibly live. What a life.

I deserve more. I deserve happy, I deserve healthy. and I deserve to be loved without having to have an obligation of anything to anyone.