Ohana

Ohana means family, no one left behind. I have heard this over and over again from Lilo and Stitch. Today I saw it on a car. It made me cry. My family left me behind. My dad left me behind when I was 9. My mom left me behind at 16. My brothers left me behind somewhere in the middle of that. Ohana is not what describes my family. My family is, well there are no words. My brothers treat me like I am nothing. I have tried to be there for them. Flew to Northern Idaho to support one brother’s wife and her career. Only to be told I didn’t matter in his world anymore. Another brother, well he never gave a crap other than to put me down, talk about how I remind him of our mother. And the other one, clearly, I am not important to him. He has enough going on with his wife and her family. I was never part of it.

So where does that leave me? My ohana is my dog? My children are not speaking to each other and they don’t have each other’s backs. They had no example of that through my family. They had no example of that through the ex’s families. The cycle just continues. Will I leave this earth knowing that I just was born a screw up and will die a screw up? Will I ever know what it feels like to be loved? Will I ever know what it is like for someone to care for you enough that they never let you feel alone? I do not know. I wish I did. The trigger hit me today. As I write I am beyond crying. I hope and pray that anyone who will ever read this NEVER relates to how I feel.