Move and fear

So I made a decision a few days ago. I decided to revisit someone who had a room to rent. I brought my dog with me so that our dogs could meet. Their meet could not have been any better and I made a leap to take the place. I will be moving in less than a month, again. I have learned a lot about myself in the last few years. I have learned that I have allowed my children to be disrespectful of me for way to long.

My oldest daughter has things to say and not filter or concern in saying them. I have tiptoed around her since we moved in together. I can respect that she beleives in different things than I do. But I am never supposed to say anything or complain or say I disagree because that means that I should be ready to hear her say something mean and ugly back to me. I guess in her mind, it is justified. I am her mom and she has walked all over me for many years. But this last one, just really revealed her heart in it all. I have had to keep my voice quiet around her. I have had to keep quiet about anything I may be feeling as she has made it abundantly clear that others are not allowed to disagree with her. If they do, she pushes her opinion and thoughts about the other person with no tact or respect. It is like a continued stepping on by someone else. Push them down. Keep them down. Their feelings do not matter. She has done it to others. I am not ready to lose her, but feeling so stressed out about what I can or can not say leaves me feeling like I can never truly be myself. I have sacrificed so much, given so much and it all does not matter. I am worth nothing in her eyes but the convenience she needs. It is so disheartening. Maybe one day, she will realize how much has been done for her. Maybe not. I do not know. It is not mine to wonder, it is not my life. I just know that the relationship with her has to change and some boundaries have to change. I will make the first move, I gave my notice to move.

I am not fearful of moving, as I have been getting rid of more and more stuff. I am worried about what it will do to me physically. How much will I have to do at the apartment to get the deposit back. Will I get enough from my paycheck to pay all the things? What will happen with Sarah? She has had several months to get her stuff together.