I was recently looking at Facebook pages and have been going through a process of why I should have a facebook. I really do not know why I should have one. I have met many people over my lifetime. If they are currently not in my life, I do not really care to open the door up to them. My life has been anything but easy. It would take a lot as a friend, a true friend to stand by me. I can not say that many have stood by through the last year and a half of change in my life. Not even the ones that swore they would.
They say that people come in your life for seasons, many just blow through in the wind and continue their journey in thier life. Just to be loved and accepted. All my life, started with my dad’s rejection of me at the age of 9. Then it came my mom’s rejection of me at the age of 16, after she beat me up. The people who give life, suddenly are just not there for you anymore. The brothers you played with for countless hours, suddenly all gone. Secluded and alone. I do not know what it means for someone to stand by me. And maybe that is not what life is about. Trying to figure out who will stand by you.
Humans make choices, me included. I trust too easily. This have learned as in the last year and a half, really more than that I have poured out my heart and soul to people only to have them tell me they will stay by me and watching one by one as they don’t choose to do what they said they did. Mike, did not choose to stand by me. He just let it all go. He chose that years ago. I fought to keep the marriage and he had already given up. The threat of me having a higher title than him. The thought of having to take care of me the rest of his life overtook him. He walked away, many years before I asked him to leave.
The thought of anyone really standing by me without other motive is beyond me. I am such a loyal friend, have been hurt so much but yet still try to see good in people. What is the point? To keep being vulnerable and being hurt over and over again?
My children, man do I love them. I love them more than I love myself and it has always been that way. I thought that if I loved them enough, they would be okay. They would have a life with less pain and rejection that I did. And I guess that is true, they all know that their mom is behind whatever they choose to do, no matter what. Something I never got from my mother. Something I have to choose to be grateful over as it shows that my heart and my love was not lost in the hurt of it all. My children know I love them. They know I would do anything for them. They know that I will give up what I need to for them. I can not see it any other. I can not be responsible for my daughter Sarah to be anywhere but safe right now. One can only handle so much. She needs the acceptance of her mom to help her stand strong. Maybe, just maybe in the process, I will find strength for myself.
I will stand by without judgement and love my children hard, they are all I have in this crazy world. They all have thier shortcomings, as do I. But they made me something in life, they made me a mom. They made me learn to sacrifice and be like Jesus. They did, Becoming a mom was the best and hardest thing to happen to me. I do not regret any minute of any of it. Maybe, just maybe, faults and all I can look at my life and say that I did the whole Mom thing well. If all I can say is that I loved my kids, well that is more than I got from my mother.
Standing by someone is hard. Standing by people who wouldn’t do it for you is near to impossible. But God has bigger things in store for me and He is working out things beyond what I could ever imagine. I am so incredibly grateful to have four children. I will stand by them. Because that is what you do when you are a mother.
Quiet Intensity 