Future

Today I write in tears again. I think about what I left, a narcissist husband who has a porn addiction. As I think about the years of emotional abuse and being told that I am crazy. I am grateful I escaped with a little bit of my sanity left. I do not think that there is much left of my grace for myself and that was taken from me for years. Always thinking that I was wrong because I couldn’t get him to love me as I was. It was always about being someone else. But it was never enough. It was not enough for him to stop watching naked women on his phone and computer. He would tell people he was staying up late because of me and my issues with his cpap machine. He made me look like the bad guy and he was such a gentleman by letting me get my rest. Truth was, he stayed up late so he could get a few hours of his porn in. Porn was more important than me. Nameless faces, men and women, doing who knows what. It has to take a really sick individual to be attracted to that kind of stuff.

So I am left here today, going to college for a degree that may or may not help me financially. I can not live on my own in this town where I live, any part of town. The thoughts of staying with this man even though he hurt me and disregarded everything about me that God created, well at least I would have a home. A place of my own. But honestly, I think he has decided that his home will be with his mom and that is where he will remain. I have lived three years of hell with her. I almost took my life then. He can have her. He has his money and his life with her. They can support each other in all their narcissistic ways. I deserve better than that.

I tell myself all of this but then I look at my future and what I will be doing with it. I can not afford a place of my own. I am exhausted from living my adult life for others and I am yet in another situation where I am with my children. When will it ever be my time to heal? Always giving to others. Even in my current state, living with my daughters and boyfriend and a dog. My dog is now confined to this room because her dog is out there, freely in the living room. Lots of space. All does not seem to be fair.

I know in this life, things will not be fair, it is a fallen world. It is a fallen place. I know things will not be easy for me. I understand and fully respect that. I just would like to know where I need to be and where I will be heading in my future. I honestly wonder if I will ever have peace in this world. All seems to be so unfair and unreasonable. I did not ever expect to have to deal with being divorced again. But he made his choice. I did not do anything wrong other than fall in love with him. He said everything right. We had a baby together. Even in that, I gave him what he wanted, someone to carry on his name. Someone for him to lift up and live through. Boy I saw those signs, but it was too late. My heart was already wrapped up with him. He discarded me all along, he never made me feel protected or cherished. I felt like he settled for me, and he often made jokes about exactly that. “Oh this girl won’t leave me alone”, he told his friends when we were dating. Truth is I was the only one that would have him. Three months was the longest relationship. I guess that is when he divulged the whole porn thing. I wish I had known how deep into that addiction he was. I would have walked away. It was always more important.

So here I am close to another birthday, my second one without him. I am grateful to not feel like nothing by that man anymore. I just wish that I could feel like something to someone. My faith has to get me through this. I have to succeed in my life as I have four adult kids that are looking up to thier mom for what to do. For hope for their own future. It is a lot of pressure. I just really want to be alone. I want to be alone and not have to give my time to someone who will take it and not reciprocate giving a crap about me. Someone or anyone who has nothing to gain by being my friend, but just has the obedience to stick by me through it all. I have let go of so much. Let go of so many people. I know it was the right thing to do, but it still hurts.

I will live a life in peace, eventually, it may not be on earth, but I know I will have healing. My home is not here anyways, it is in heaven. I can not wait to get there. My future is in Him and with Him. God give me the strength that I need.