Hurt

Today is Saturday, I am grateful for the break from my job. This past week has been very difficult. There is a new director at my job. I was not part of the decision. The last two days at work have been anything but what I thought I would be doing.

Maybe I should go back to the emotional abuse and lying. Maybe, just maybe there at least would be some consistency there. So my ex-husband watches porn, so he exposed my children to it all of thier lives. I guess when you come from nothing and not wanted, you deserve this life. Nothing, your value is nothing. Others see and can sense you feel like nothing. Will it ever change? I thought I was doing right by my kids. Found them someone who liked children, three of them. I thought I was making the right choice. I, in fact, did not. He stole their innocence and I just stood by and believed him. He was never going to change and he never will. If I stayed with him, I would risk losing my children, I had lost one for a year. The greater risk is if and when my children have children, they would not let him have any rights to see me or him because of what he did. So one hasn’t held a grudge, good for her. She probably thinks like I did, at least he is there for her unlike her biological dad. Even if I had left earlier, I would still be in the same position. Feeling like nothing and thrown away. I can not fathom making someone hurt this much, as he hurt me. Will I ever get over it? It is really hard when you realize that everything is against you. You live in town that you can not afford, You are going to a college you can not really afford and to show what for it all? Nothing, no friends, no church, no people. Just four broken children that you created during sex with men who just used you. Oh the guilt I feel in it all.

One child has issues with alcohol. One child has issues with insecurity and abandonment issues. One has issues with relationships. All have issues with insecurity. All have issues with each other. All have issues with me that are beginning to be resolved. I can only hope. I feel incredibly selfish to think of leaving my kids to do what I need to do for healing for myself of being lied to and manipulated for 20 years. Before that it was fear of being hit by my ex or by my mother. I know that Christ felt so alone in his life. I know he knows how I feel. I have always had it very difficult and I wish I had hope that my life will get better, but it won’t. I know it won’t. This is where I am, this is what I was born into. Being rejected by my family, being rejected by men who I thought would become my family. Rejected by society and the church, again. I can not take much more pain and suffering. This all brought about by two days of feeling like nothing at my job. Feeling like I was lied to by my boss and continually feeling undervalued. It all is not worth it. It is just a job. Those people and families don’t give a shit about me or my presence there. There is no connection. They have no idea my struggle, nor is it their place.

If I leave, no one will know. No one will miss me. It is just a job, it is not worth this. My own boss looked me over and lied to me. She has to do what she has to do for her business. She wants less on her plate and M can offer that to her. So she took it. Her business, her vision, not mine. No respect and no value. I am not a friend to her, I am a willing body going about doing her work for her. No appreciation. It is what it is. I have taken it on as my own and it is not mine to carry. It is not my school, it is a job. A job to pay bills. People to serve. It happens all over and I will find another place to work. I have to let Clairemont chapter go. Close the page and move forward.

Fears of leaving behind what was. In this new season, there are so many new and confusing things to embrace. Doors have already been closed to the past.