Today I was home for the day with a headache. I did not go into work. Last week I asked for a raise. I emailed my boss, she has decided not to respond to me. I can not help but think that her not responding is just another way of me being dismissed. I am tired. Tired of a 45 minute commute to a job where I get barfed on by all that work there. I am the clean up the shit person for all who work there. I cant do this. I dont even have my own shit together but then have to clean up everyone else’s just doesnt seem reasonable. I feel on edge for a breakdown daily. I am not appreciated at all at my job. No one gives a shit, they just want me to do all the hard work. Make their lives easier.
She did not ask me to work on the garden. i am doing it for the kids that she continually says she is there for. She did not ask me to restore the flower bed and plant a flower bed but it is for the children who are there to enjoy and learn. She did not ask me, therefore, I should not ask for more money. Money will not solve any issues anyway. But to know my worth and value to her, well it would be something. She hired someone that she will have to train for so much more than me. That person probably asked for that amount. She knows her worth. And sadly, with her knowing her worth, I now know mine. I am not worth a simple email response. Even if it was I need to think about it. No, she can not even give me that response. I know where I stand. I am not worth it. I am not worth her time, I am not worth what the other person is worth. I will have to train her. I will and already have shown her the way things work. But she gets paid more. Oh what a fool I am!
Something has to give. I can not keep fighting this uphill battle. I can not spend 11 hours away from my home. Maybe I do need to give my dog to someone who can be home with him. It all is not fair at all. This is not how my life is supposed to be. It is not how I envisioned it. But to be honest. I did not envision being divorced. Or married to a man who would emotionally abuse me. I do not and will not go back to him. But I did not think it would be this hard. I dont know where I belong or where I fit. I dont know what I am meant to do with my life. I do not honestly feel I am emotionally capable of leading other women in teaching. I can not even look in the mirror and like who I am. I am trash, I have been thrown away. I wasn’t wanted by so many and it just remains that way. It has happened again at my job. Talk trash behind my back. You belong there, blah blah blah with the comebacks to try to make my broken heart and broken life come back together.
Maybe the answer to all of it is to just be quiet and not have an opinion about anything. After all, she does not want my opinion. She goes behind me and will tell the employees they do not have to do what I have asked anyways. Proof yet again that my opinion is not worth anything. You say that you trust me and you have my back. But you do not. Much like the last 19 years of my married life. Never having my back. I will just keep quiet, but opinion on who to hire does not matter to you. The way I handle things does not matter to you as they can just go behind my back and get to do whatever the hell they want. You fostered that. I did not. You lied. I did not. I have had your back. You have not had mine. Please just let me go. I am of no service to you, you got your replacement, I can only hope you have her back. You have disrespected me long enough. I will leave and be somewhere where I am needed and respected for what I have experienced and what I have been through. I will not be somewhere where I am not worth it to you.
Quiet Intensity 