So I have been sick, well it was a brief bout of flu like stuff stuff. Been feeling just wiped out from it. Been in bed for days, do not want to go to work tomorrow to meet the ever finding needs of the whiny staff. By the end of the week I will have the word divorced near my name. Almost to the exact day I discovered him in his life of lies. I shouldnt be surprised that he just let it all fall apart, just like our marriage. There is no fight in him. No big statements of grand symbols of love or repentance. I couple of emails here and there saying he has not had any desire to watch porn. I just have to wonder why. Why me? Why my life? Why my heart?
The first exhusband just up and decided to leave me and the kids and go back to his mom. He did not think of divorce, he just thought he would leave and who knows what would happen next. Abandoned. Not just me, but my kids as well. I asked second ex to move out, he did. He never looked back. He never did anything to fight for me. The first one didn’t either. Both men made choices. I made choices. I lot of pain happened based on these choices to a lot of people I really really love. Now I am left with this bag of hurt and I do not know what to do with it. These men, if you can call them men, left. Simply left. Checked out. Never truly loved. I was such a fool. I honestly can look back and not really know how I felt about the first husband. I was desperate when I met him and I know I cared about him. But the second husband I loved, like full heart, lose yourself kind of love. And he threw me away. Like trash. He moved on in his life and has things hell of easy for him. I have had to struggle yet again in my life and move forward. Will it ever stop hurting? How can you be with someone for 20 years and they do not care about where you live? If you are alive? If you are okay? I will never understand someone who thinks this way. I will never be this type of person. I will never lose myself for someone else again. Look where it got me. Living in a freaking noisy apartment in a town I know nothing about. I feel so lost.
Quiet Intensity 