Today is a Saturday. I have less than a month of being married to a man who is a narcissist. The more I read about narcissism, the more the last 20 years of my life make sense. Not being believed, being told I am crazy. Being told I am the one with all the problems. Always feeling like I was never enough for him. Truth was, or is, I wasn’t. I wasn’t enough for his lies and his porn addiction. He brought that addiction and his narcissism into the marriage and he is bringing it out of the marriage.
March is the month he last knew where I lived. 20 years with someone and they dont care where you live, they don’t care that you are okay. They don’t care to know where you are living, Narcissism. The other person does not matter. How can one say, I love you and not care that you are hurting, I will never understand the way his mind works. I lost me in it all. I sit on a Saturday just numb to it all. My body is so tired from a week from hell at work. Stress, it is slowly killing me. I can see it. Who spends most of their Saturday in bed because they are just so freaking tired? Well I do. I have much to do, no energy to do it.
The divorce is the next step, I am confident of this, but what he got away with and no reprecussions bothers me. He stole so much from me and my children. I can never give that back to my children. I thought I was doing the best I could. I believed him. He fucked us all over and is now comfortable in his life. He took all he could, he took the best from all of us, our love. And left us with nothing but scars and memories that will takes years to forget.
He moves on. Someone else will suffer with him. I will pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I will decide from this moment to leave him behind. It is time. I will change who I have been and become what I was supposed to be. I don’t want to be hurt again and I am wiser because of it. I need help and I need guidance. I know there will be others brought into my life that will help me. I need them. It sucks to feel so alone, so isolated. One step at a time.
Quiet Intensity 