As a woman who is separated I have a lot of things that I am hoping for. I am hoping my husband actually would care where I am. I am hoping all of this is some big nightmare and he actually does love me. I am hoping that he would send an email actually acknowledging the fact that he crushed me. The list could go on and on. But the facts are unfortunately the same. He is not going to fight for me. He doesnt care where i am, or how I am. He doesnt care about my pain. And the awful terrible truth is, he never did.
How do you lose yourself so much that you dont see it? You love hard, you love with all you have and you hope that one day they will love you back. But they dont. I dont regret loving him, as he needed it. My kids needed to see what real love is. Their mother loved hard. She loved with everything she had. Which is how it should be. They saw me love the way Christ loved the church. I sacrificed. I gave up and never dared to dream as he already had his dreams and I would just follow. I was never apart of his dreams. I was an inconvenience. His choice. My love was never enough for him as he was incapable of receiving it. I showed my children what marriage was, sacrifice. They saw him take.
I can not live there anymore. I need to hope for new things. A heart that is healing, God is in the process of that. A heart that is healed from a mother and father who also threw me away. Orphaned. Picked up gently by a loving God who saw the best in me. And He still does. He is hopeful for my healing as He has promised it to me. I may not be enough for anyone here on earth. My hope is one day I will be loved, truly loved. But it may never be from another person. That is a hard concept to fathom. But it is the truth. I have loved so deeply. Been hurt so deeply. And I just rest, rest in the arms of my God, my Guardian, the one who keeps His promises and loves me and created me. He has great hope in me to give me such a great and loving story. He will use my story. He is who I love more than anything. He arranged my life as it is for a story. One that is as unique as it can be. I am grateful for my life, I am grateful for my story. It is only mine to tell. Others watch on and see what I do. But God is with me in it all. He carries me when the burden is too much. He reminds me of His love for me, that will never go away and will never be withheld. No matter what I do, He loves me. The creator of the universe, the creator of all things loves me. I am grateful for it all. I am hopeful for my future as it is in Gods hands. No place I would rather be.
Quiet Intensity 