Empathy

Today I went to a church I had been attending for many, many years. I have never felt so alone. Judged by the main pastor and left to sit in my broken heart. Left and not checked on by anyone. People who are supposed to love me. People have a skewed few of what love is. Maybe my standard is too high. My entire life affected by the choice of another. His choice, over and over again. Seems like an easy out that he left. I am left to answer the questions. I am left to be the one holding the children, my faith, everything in the balance.

Today someone told me that I needed to be strong so my example would help others that are dealing with pain and my situation. Who helps me? Who comes along and helps me? Why do I have to do this alone but others will benefit from my struggle? How is that fair? How is that showing empathy for what I am going through right now? How is it coming along side someone and helping them through? Its like people are just sitting on the sidelines waiting and watching. Almost like I am drowning and they are watching to see how I will save myself.

Life is full of many type of people, those that take, those that give, and those that choose to never really love. I love, and when I love, I love hard. I don’t hold back. It is why I am sitting here after 19 years of marriage with my heart ripped out and I just watch as the blood drips. No one to hold my hand, no one to dry my tears. Alone. Not a new concept in my life. One day I will not be alone. One day, someone will love me for who I am. One day someone will pick up the pieces of my broken heart and truly understand me. One day I will be loved. Sometimes I think about the promises of being healed. The promises of my God that He will heal me. It may not be until I am dead. A fact I can not argue with.

So for today, I try to deal with more people and a lack of empathy. A lack of care or concern for me. For who I am or what I have been through. I do not need sympathy. I chose this man to marry, knowing about his addiction. I chose the church I started going to knowing that this again could happen. I am sorry I made these choices and I have paid over and over and over and over again for them. I don’t know when it will be enough and I just step forward. I can not make anyone understand me. And I can not make anyone try to understand and love me for me. That would be a tall order to fill. I may never be loved like I deserve. I can not take more judgement and dismissal. I am human and my heart is crushed right now. Is there a single person who cares? Cares if I am alive or dead? Or do they only care how I will be able to help someone else through their own trial? Today has been extremely hard. Out of place with people who you thought were like family. Dismissed because of someone else’s choice. Ignored and left alone because of his choice. It is all too much to try to comprehend. Living this life sucks. Plain and simple.