The other day I was in the grocery store. To put in perspective, I used to shop all the time at the grocery store. Then I had major surgery and the thought of waiting in line and walking around in the store literally made my head hurt. So I didn’t grocery shop for a long time. As I went down every aisle of the grocery store to see what I would get to eat, I stopped where the pudding cups were. Tapioca pudding… it has always been my favorite. I get it only when I go to Souplantation and have never justified to myself to get it when I have gone to the store.
But then the trigger happened. I realized as I stood looking at the small containers of tapioca pudding that my husband never bought any for me, for over 19 years of marriage. As I found myself reaching out for this treat that I knew I just needed to get. I got incredibly sad. One that knows your favorite things, NEVER bought it for me. Never thought of me as he passed this eisle so many times. It made my heart hurt. Never loved, never thought of. never a thought of just because I know she likes it, I will get it for her. Never loved. Never appreciated. All so sad. 19 years. Perspective.
This is what it feels like to not be loved, not be honored, not feel special. I know this feeling, it has followed me through all of my life. My mother rejected me. She didnt want me. My Dad didnt fight for me. My exhusband was abusive and didnt understand the depth of what love meant. My husband now, less than cherished. Not even a second thought. Tapioca pudding, that is what sent this trigger off. Persepctive.
I am gtateful to God for showing me these things. It still hurts too deep. Will I ever be enough for someone to truly love? I have so much to give and it has been taken over and over again. Will I need to just rest in Gods arms and be single. Always wondering why I am not good enough for someone to just appreciate?
Will the thoughts of death consume me? The thoughts of just wanting to feel no pain, just for a time consume me? This hurts, and I know it will for quite some time. I dont love him enough to keep being lied to. I have to let him go. I want to let him go, part of me wishes he was different but yet another things comes up and he is not.
How can someone not care where someone they “love” lives and resides, if they are ok? I know he is safely with his mom in a safe home surrounded by people who know him and love him as he is. They will not challenge him to change as I know they are telling him that I am and will always be not good enough for him. How can a husband not know where his wife is and be okay with that? Why does it surprise me? when we lived together he didnt know where I was and didnt care. So much time, fighting to keep a marriage alive, fighting alone. Realizing that the other party didnt want to fight for the marriage. Realizing that it was never about me or the marriage, it was always about his convenience and how he looked to the outside world.
All over tapioca pudding. If he had just bought one of those small containers over the years, maybe, just maybe I would have known I was loved. One gesture, one sign. Nothing. I should have known, I should have gotten out earlier. I tried, Lord knows I tried.
Quiet Intensity 