sadness

Today there is no other word to describe how I am feeling but sadness. Sadness that I am home and not with the children. Sadness that my employer is soon to be my former employer because of actions she has taken. Sad that my marriage is over, even though it needs to be. Sad that I am not living in this hair filled house and not on my own with some grand property and scenery to look at. Sad that I am still in San Diego and not on some adventure somewhere else. Sad that I was left behind by my kids as they start their lives. Sad that he fooled us all. Feel like I am stuck here.

I need to find a new church. I really like the people, well the women there, but I am not being fed the word of God. I am not being challenged at all and can honestly not even remember what they talked about let alone how it applied to my life once I leave the parking lot on Sunday. There has to be more.

My life has changed drastically the last 6 months. From living in a loveless marriage to now living in one room in a house with a roommate. All my kids are out on their own and I am too. I need God in every one of these steps as he is all I have at this point. The betrayal of 19+ years of being with him lying for all that time so gets to me. I know I truly loved him, and i trusted him. He blew it all out of the water by his addiction. I was not enough for him to ask for help until he was caught. And he lost it all by not taking control of his own life. I have filed for divorce, I can not be bound to someone who has done this to my kids. Exposing himself and touching himself all the while watching porn in the living room. I can not even believe he would do this. But his mind clearly doesn’t work like mine. I have to protect the relationship i have with my younger kids.

My hope and prayer is that he does get help. But I will not be apart of it. I may have thought about staying with him if he had gotten help on his own, but he didn’t. The fact that he waited 19 years and getting caught by me to make him stop, is not okay. He didn’t want to get caught, he didn’t want to stop. His choice, it was more important than me.

I am tired of thinking about it. The flag in the ground of filing for divorce is what i need to put that behind me and move on with my life. I know it will not be easy. I would love to move out of San Diego, as now there is nothing left here for me. My kids that are in communication with me are no longer here. What point is there to be here? I can make friends anywhere, and he will not be leaving San Diego anytime soon since he is with his mom. I hope and pray something opens up for me somewhere where I can heal and recover from all this. I will stay until divorce is final and then reevaluate where I need to be.