Changes

Today is a Saturday, I have been awake for quite some time. These past few months have me thinking a lot about my life. Finding out the person you gave your heart, soul, mind, and body to has been lying to you for all of your relationship can be quite a blow to anyone. Trust destroyed, and this is coming from someone who doesnt trust very easily. Most in my life have betrayed my trust. The one person I thought I could really trust lied to me for 19 plus years. He chose others over me, others he doesnt even know. So hurtful.

So now is the choice, do I wallow in my own self-pity and think about all the years I have spent with a man who was lying to me? Or do I pick myself up and realize my new life of freedom and truth awaits me. I can always know how I stand with myself, how I view myself, what I want to be, how I want to look. But I can never control that space of someone else. I may never see my husband of 19 years overcome his addiction. But I can not predict or wait for that to happen. I can not control him or his choices. I have to freely give him to God and not look to what could have been or what could be with him. The relationship was not healthy and not honoring. If anything ever comes of it, it has to be completely different. God honoring, my bets are not off, I just can not be a part of his healing. I can not control it or predict it. I have to fully trust God in it and give him to God to deal with, however He sees fit.

I want to be someone who is free to be who God created me to be. I have lived most of my life trying to be something for someone else. It was never enough for them and that has been clearly seen. I have to be who God created me to be, whatever that may look like. My God does not want me full of shame and guilt from my past. Have I made mistakes? Yes, who hasn’t? Have I beat myself up for them for too many years, yes! God desires and seeks freedom for me, it is who He is and I am His child. I will be free and live in truth. No things to hide, no lies to over throw the truth of what my life is.

I have no idea what true freedom looks like, this could be a time when I change every little thing in my life. Teaching brings me joy, but I shouldnt be relying on children to bring me happiness. This is not okay with me. I should be happy with myself and I am not. I do not feel like I make a difference in what I do, I am babysitting, I am not teaching anything. I love on these children when their parents are at work. Simple as that. Any day care person can do it. No one is interested, no one has an investment. My job is unseen and has no relevance to anyone. The guilt I feel for being in a field where I have to be loved is not worth it. Lets face it, the children do not know any different. If they knew, if their parents knew, how I really felt about myself, they wouldnt leave thier child with me. It is a business, and I am to perform. It is what it is.

Change is necessary.