Discovery

It has been a few months since my last entry here. Back in December I found out my husband of 18 years has been hiding a hidden addiction. My whole world has been turned upside down. The person I have lived life with for the past almost two decades of my life has been lying to me. His word means nothing to me as his lies have permeated through my soul and the soul of my children. The pain I feel can not be put into words. I am grateful to have discovered it as it means I can work on being healed and all the years that I have carried shame have a reason now. Or at least a reason I can explain.

Trauma, they equate it to being in a major car accident. Betrayal trauma. I should know this word as it is what my mother did to me, but she didn’t owe me anything. This was someone I was intimate with, shared all my secrets with. Shared my bed and my body with. All a lie. He never connected with me emotionally. It all makes sense as I work through my pain and healing. I am so ready to move on with my life and be on my own. I do not want to be with any person, especially a man. To be physically abused by one husband and then lied to by the next. What a waste of life and living. I know that God has me in His hand and He will see me through this time.

I had a talk with my youngest son last night. My heart breaks for him. To try to comprehend that your dad has lived this double life. I can not even comprehend. It was easier knowing my dad just didnt want me than to grow up thinking my dad was a certain way and he hurt so many in the process. My son is scarred. I dont know what he will do with all of this. I am so afraid of showing my true emotions as it was just make him probably more angry at his father. But what a role model. Had to compensate by being at every baseball game and looking the part of the doting and concerned dad. All the time, watching couples have sex and emotionally attaching to them and that act rather than attaching to the family he created.

Trauma, it is what he said he experienced when he married me. It is what I experience now as I leave him. I pray and hope for the souls of those that have to deal with betrayal and this kind of pain. It hurts down so deep in your soul that someone could have lied to you about who knows how much. The secret life they keep when they knew you werent paying attention. I cant fix this for him. He has to do the work, something he is not prone to do. His choice. All of it has been his choice to live in this lie. I have a beautiful son who has an amazing soul from him. I can not say much else I gained by being with him. But this discovery is leading to my complete healing and I know my faithful God will bring me through it. Even if I have to be carried. He loves me and has never lied or betrayed me. So grateful.