Emotion

For lack of something else to call this writing, I will call it emotion. Today I was getting ready to go to church and I felt this incredible need to not go. I felt like I heard hypocrite being said to me, over and over again. You see, I had gotten a text from my husband saying he was driving separately to church today. That he wanted to meet me there. Everything in me, was like, wait a minute, we have so much unresolved stuff going on right now. How can we worship God freely when so much is up in the air? Do you care that I am so upset with you? Do you care that when we fought and yelled at each other 2 weeks ago, I cried the rest of the night? I left the house because I didnt want to be around you and was afraid of punching you in your face? No, lets just tiptoe around the HUGE fight and pretend, like everything else that nothing happened. Repeat of my life and marriage to this man.

I couldnt do it. I ended up packing up my bike and going to the bay. I texted him at 945 and told him i wasnt coming to church as we had too many unresolved issues. The response back was, oh had I known, i would have stayed home. How would that have solved anything??? The issues are still there. I live with someone and I am married to someone who does not want to deal with conflict. Period. Does not want to resolve anything, figures if he tiptoes, I will forget it.

The same man who snickered when I told him I was hurting only a few weeks ago. Why am I staying in this marriage? What is keeping me here? I really dont know. I am tired of trying to ignore my chiari and all its symptoms as its not comforable for him. I cant ignore them. I deal with them every second of the day. But this doesnt matter to him. The person he is supposed to love in sickness and in health is stuggling in the sickness area and I am left in the water while he watches me drown. Along for the ride and the prestige of being married to a woman who has great faith.

I can not carry you any longer. Your weight is killing me! Learn to walk on your own feet. My emotions can not handle your neglect.