Love

Growing up in a home where there was little memory of love among my siblings and parents. It is hard to imagine what really feeling loved is. Even in my 40’s, I do not feel that I have ever felt unconditional love by anyone in my life. I have given unconditional love to others, my own children, my husband, and friends. But have never really felt valued or worth something to anyone. As I get closer to my 50’s, age is just a number, I wonder if I will ever experience what love really is.

I know that Jesus loved me and that He died on the cross for me. I know that I feel His love for me in every moment of my day. But the human love is a different story. I have to wonder if I will ever be that important to someone.

Having brain surgery more than two years ago has changed so many perspectives on so many things for me. When sitting or in my case, laying down and talking with God for two months and not knowing how and when I would completely heal. Well, lets just say that you think about a lot of things and how your life has turned out.

I have learned that my children are not responsible or obligated to love me, even though I raised them. As hurtful and lonely as that can be. I wanted my children to want their own lives. Somehow I thought I would be part of it. But their happiness is their journey to find, with or without me.

I thought that I had married someone who loved me unconditionally. When you find yourself recovering and alone in pain at the hospital, you realize that your spouse does not love you unconditionally. His love changed when something became physically and emotionally wrong with me. I had thought it was for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. But somehow that didnt work out that way. My condition is not worthy to talk about and I am told things are “unfortunate”, when I mention any symptoms I am having due to having a brain condition.

So I am left holding a bag that is empty. A loveless bag. There is nothing inside. I have poured out for so many never expecting in return. I never thought I would be standing with an empty bag and no one offering to love me as I am. I hide behind masks with certain people. Just screaming on the inside, wanting to be accepted and loved as I am. Feeling like I cant because if I mention that I have a brain condition and that I am in in pain all the time, well that person will judge and run as far away as they can.

I live in a home with no peace, no love, and no help. It is a very lonely place. Grateful God meets me here. I am hopeful for the day I can run into His arm and feel His love physically and emotionally.